What happens when you want to connect with others but your nervous system finds connection a threat?
This is a dichotomy that many people face as they long for connection but also find it difficult [enter social anxiety].
Let’s start at the beginning. Why might someone feel this?
If we’ve had adverse relational experiences in childhood or adulthood (either through abuse, neglect or enmeshment) we may find it difficult to trust that others will be able to meet our needs.
Maybe we’ll feel that...
We’ll be judged for who we are.
Our needs won’t beacknowledge.
We’ll be ignored.
We’ll be taken advantage of.
Boundaries will be overstepped.
We’ll be scrutinised and those observations will be used against us.
It's not a co-incidence that we worry about these things. Somewhere in our past we had a very good reason to worry about them.
For many, these concerns are...
Many partners these days spend a lot of time (while together) on social media each being drawn further and further into their own paradigm creating a schism in their relational bubble proving it harder and harder to coexist in real life due to massive differences in thinking (phew that was a long sentence!).
And did you know relational disharmony massively increases feelings of anxiety, so it's worth investing some time in to get right.
Creating harmony in such a relationship can be incredibly challenging unless both parties are willing to actively come out of their paradigms in participate in the paradigm of their relationship on a regular basis (how often needs to be agreed).
It requires: a recognition of what is going on, a willingness to participate in the relationship and the environment of the relationship (ie the home), open communication, mutual respect, and a stretch to understand and appreciate each other's perspectives.
What is it that you want to change? Do you want to change your eating patterns, lose weight, think better thoughts or fearlessly get out of your comfort zone?
No matter what you want to change, follow these rules of the mind and this will help you.
Any internal issue you have in your life like depression or anxiety (even if it's something you don't want) GIVES you something and your mind thinks you need it because your mind does exactly what it thinks you are asking you. Let's unpack this. Your subconscious mind is like the most unbiased butler. It does whatever it is told. But the butler takes his cues from your unconscious mind OR your super conscious mind. Your unconscious mind is the mind of protection and fear and it's where all of your experiences are stored including your childhood. Your super conscious mind is your mind of boundless opportunity and it's where your creativity, your imagination and your intuition comes from. ...
Controlling how you decide to show up in the patriarchal world as a menopausal woman, is really up to you.
You do know that YOU get to decide don't you? In some countries, that choice is taken away, so if you DO have the choice, honour it and use it wisely.
Want to stick to bedroom activism instead? I'm right there with you.
Want to wear oversized prints, enormous earrings and red lipstick? Do it.
Want to have casual sex with someone younger? Try it.
What to just sleep all day this Sunday? Do it.
This life changing conversation with Kath Berry put some fire back in my belly and I did not expect this conversation to end up where it did!
Kath Berry is an Acupuncture Educator with over 25 years of clinical experience. She also has a Masters Degree in Drug and Alcohol Addiction Medicine and is now the co-author of a text book called Menopause: A Comprehensive Guide for Practitioners.