How to Stop Playing Games in Conversations: Understanding the Drama Triangle and Healthy Communication

brighton therapy blog communication skills drama triangle emotional intelligence hypnotherapy resource personal growth relationships self-awareness transactional analysis trauma-informed communication Oct 14, 2025

We’ve all had those moments where we leave a conversation thinking, “What just happened there?”
Maybe someone’s tone felt sharp, maybe you over explained yourself, or maybe the whole thing ended in awkward silence.

Lately, I’ve been noticing how easy it is to slip into unconscious communication patterns, especially when we’re tired, triggered, or carrying unresolved emotional stories from our past. As relational beings, our nervous systems are always talking to each other, even when our words sound fine on the surface.

That’s why I wanted to share this piece, partly to help you, but also to help me integrate what I’ve recently learnt through Transactional Analysis. Because when we understand the Drama Triangle, that invisible emotional geometry playing out in our relationships, we start to see our conversations, and ourselves, in a whole new light.

Let’s set the scene by saying, every interaction has an underlying agenda (whether conscious or unconscious).

The drama triangle is a brilliant model that demonstrates how we communicate, how we interact with each other, and how we relate.

It invites us to ask what agenda are we imbuing in our interactions?

Are we imbuing them with our trauma wounds or our integrated adult self?

There’s an ‘inside’ triangle and an ‘outside’ triangle that you can see in the image (go Canva!).

Operating from inside the drama triangle will always result in a ‘game’. It’s dysfunctional by nature and someone will always be left feeling negative. Conversations tend to end quickly here, there is no flow, instead there is shutdown, avoidance, stonewalling, projection and power play.

You might get a sense of it from these examples:

Victim stance: ‘Nothing ever works - I’ve tried everything - the world if fucked and we’re all going to die”

Persecutor stance: ‘It’s everyone else’s fault, if you believed what I believed we wouldn’t be in this mess”

Rescuer stance: “I’ll fix it for you, let me carry the emotional burden, I can help, lay it on me.”

If we’re operating from the drama triangle, we may tend live in one space or we may slide between all 3, especially when things come to a head.

From inside the smaller triangle, interactions are used to suck energy into ourselves in order to feed a void (think vampire as a metaphor). Most people who operate inside this drama triangle are unconsciously driven by the ego state of ’child’ and/or ‘parent’.

So that’s the inner triangle (which is way more nuanced in reality, I’m just sharing what I’ve learnt).

When we communicate to each other from OUTSIDE the triangle, conversations can continue endlessly. They are often inspiring, reciprocal, open ended, curious.

Here are some examples:

Potent stance: “How do you need me to show up for you right now? I can’t do X but I could do Y. What other way could we think about this?” [Grounded authority, clear boundaries & invites agency]

Responsive stance: “I can sense how much this way of thinking means to you. I’m curious to know more about where that comes from” [attunement & curiosity]

Vulnerable stance: “I understand your position but I’m starting to feel attacked, can we pause and regroup?” [Emotional honesty & empathy]

From outside the drama triangle, our conscious intention is to keep the conversation going by stepping into these healthy ways of communicating that are predominantly driven by the ‘adult’ part of the ego.

Brilliant! What a lovely model! Thank you TA.

When I learnt about this, two questions came to my mind:

How might we non explicitly invite someone who’s operating inside their drama triangle (parent/child ego state) to outside (healthy adult)?

And for those people who are not ready to step outside of the drama triangle, what kinds of misinterpretations might you see when you are trying to communicate from your 'adult'?

Of course, I asked ChatGPT to help me out, but my response here are my own words from what I learnt.

So first Q: How might we attempt to non explicitly invite someone who’s operating inside their drama triangle (parent/child ego state) to outside (healthy adult)?

One: Recognise what part of the drama triangle they are in with compassion (hard but possible!)

Two: Respond from the complementary corner of the out triangle:

If someone is in victim, respond from potent…

If someone is in persecutor, respond from vulnerable

If someone is in rescuer, respond from responsive

Which lead me to my next question:

What if someone doesn’t want to come out of the drama triangle? What if they are invested in the ‘game’? What kinds of behaviours might you see?

How the victim misinterprets the potent: ‘You think you’re better than me; you’re rejecting/abandoning me; you’re cold”

How the victim misinterprets the responsive: “You’re patronising me; you couldn’t possibly understand”

How the victim misinterprets the vulnerable: “You’re making it all about you now”

How the persecutor misinterprets the potent: “You’re disrespecting me; you’re trying to control me”

How the persecutor misinterprets the responsive: Resistance to attunement; “it wasn’t that bad; so many people had it much worse”

How the persecutor misinterprets the vulnerable: “You’re being emotionally manipulative; stop playing the victim; don’t be so sensitive”

How the rescuer misinterprets the potent: “You’re being cold & distant; you’re shutting me out”

How the rescuer misinterprets the responsive: “Let’s talk about you not me”

How the rescuers misinterprets the vulnerable: “Let me fix you”

So phew! There you have it and once you see it you can’t un-see it.

I’ve learnt so much from this about my own methods of communication which is sometimes very difficult to hear! (Hello shame/embarrassment/regret!)

And here comes the nuance…. it’s not always about existing outside of the drama triangle either… there IS a place for persecutor, victim, rescuer, especially in crisis.

As I’m writing this, I’m also very very conscious of the possibility that I’m coming from my own unconscious agenda for the need to ‘teach’ and be the ‘controlling parent’

or am I just being ‘potent’??

Anyway, this is me… trying to learn how not to play games.

What I love about this model is how much grace it invites into communication. It doesn’t shame us for being human, it just helps us become more aware of the patterns that quietly drive our interactions.

It reminds me that healthy communication isn’t about getting it perfect; it’s about catching ourselves mid pattern and making a more conscious choice.
Sometimes that means pausing before replying.
Sometimes it means softening when we want to defend.
And sometimes it means walking away until we can come back from our adult self rather than our wounded child.

If you’re exploring these relational patterns in your own life and want support to understand your triggers and responses more deeply, hypnotherapy can be a wonderful bridge. It helps you connect the why beneath your reactions gently reprogramming those old protective patterns from the inside out.

You can learn more about my work in Hypnotherapy Brighton and how it might support you.

And if this blog resonated, you might also enjoy:

Here’s to more potent, responsive and vulnerable conversations, the kind that build bridges rather than burn them. 💫

Sally Garozzo | Clinical Hypnotherapist Brighton & Online

How to Stop Playing Games in Conversations: Understanding the Drama Triangle and Healthy Communication

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